The Life and Times of Bonnie Granola: Part 3

We all know Bonnie Granola never ceases to meet our entertainment needs- but I knew this class held the most promise yet.  First- it was our week to bring replenishment and second- I had to go it alone.  After eight hours, Mr. Eanes was still packing up the moving truck, thus I was solo for the night. 

After walking around Harris Teeter for a good 30 minutes trying to pick out replenishment I thought Bonnie Granola would approve of AND pregnant women would like I showed up to class 10 minutes late and alone carrying various kinds of chex mix, oatmeal (isn't oatmeal somehow related to granola?) and chocolate chip cookies with me.  The usual circle seating arrangement was being utilized so I plopped down next to the non Fly Fisher and found a "test" waiting for me in my chair.  

The first part of class was spent trying to desperately remember all the mnemonic devices from the class before and what they meant... I remembered there was a T.A.C.O. but all I knew about it was that Edgar looked really happy when it was mentioned.  We review the answers and no one remembers T.A.C.O. but Edgar... he rattles it off like it's his social security number- his Baby Mama proudly rubs his shoulder. He does not speak again for the rest of class.  After taking the test Bonnie Granola explained we would be practicing massage techniques this class and asked if I could be her guinea pig since John was not present.  I asked if it was going to hurt- apparently this was funny b/c it caused an eruption of laughter from the other Granolas... but I was not joking... nor was I taking any chances with Bonnie Granola.  

The next thing I know Bonnie Granola, outfitted in her standard tunic, bra minus the support option, and quick dry pants leads us all to a table with everyday items and tells us each to pick a few to take back to our seats.  My goal?  Pick items which will bring the least awkwardness and attention to myself.  I skip over the lotion, the hand held back massager, the tube socks full of tennis balls, and eventually land on a wash cloth, a straw, and a cup with some sort of drink packet in it.  Non-fly fisher and his wife proceed to inform me of how good the "some sort of drink packet mix" is and how it is the best cure for hangovers... I wonder if this is where I should mention I don't actually drink but decide against it.  I guess if he can be a fly fisher then I can be a pregnant drunk for a few more classes.  Bonnie Granola makes us sit back in the circle and discuss how we can use items we found to help sooth our backs, legs, hands, and genitals during labor.  The "I'm Not Due Till October But This Was The Only Class Left For Me to Take Girl's" husband holds up the massager... Bonnie Granola smiles from her seat on the floor in the middle of all of our chairs and says" I know what you are thinking and we'll get to that in a minute"... I look down and feel certain it was a bad idea to attend without Mr. Eanes.  

After the painful process of explaining how each of our items could relax us during labor we move into the next phase of class- the massages.  Bonnie Granola first asks to massage Edgar's hand to demonstrate the technique called breaking the popsicle- when she asks us to try it with our spouses she remembers I do not have one for the night and the next thing I know Bonnie Granola and her quick dry clothes are sitting next to me massaging my hand...I am so excited that I have now unofficially held Edgar's hand.  The next move is a head massage in which Bonnie Granola has the entire class look at me (her example) while she talks and moans her way through massaging my head and shoulders.  I shift my eyes from side to side and wonder if I should somehow send out a secret message to those watching that I do not agree with the noises coming from above.  After the head massage we move into back massages, which- on the scale of awkwardness is right up there with "I came to class naked today just because I felt like it" awkward.  Bonnie Granola asks me to move to her side of the circle and straddle the chair backwards... great... I always wanted to straddle a chair at 8 months pregnant in a room full of strangers and taco bell cooks.  Bonnie Granola then places her hands on what is supposed to be my back but is really more like my behind and has the class watch as she massages my lower back/upper butt.  She again talks and moans through the process- I close my eyes and pretend I am on the beach somewhere and this is just a nightmare.  The massage demonstration ends and we talk about labor.  Bonnie Granola holds up her hands, makes a circle with her fingers, and says very loudly... "this is my vagina" -   the "I'm Not Due Till October But This Was the Only Class Available Girl's" husband cannot take it- he looks frantically at his wife, at me, and then begins circling his head about, in true bobble head style, as if trying to find a way to escape or at least a safe spot to look.  My  heart goes out to him, and I feel like I should tell him looking down is always best option in times such as these, but I do not- it's every Granola couple for themselves I have learned.  

Bonnie Granola then proceeds to actually go into labor and give birth to a naked cabbage patch doll in class.  She sits spread eagle on a chair in the middle of the circle as she progresses through the 1st and 2nd stage of labor- the baby descends and she is now sitting on top of a cabbage patch doll whose head is poking out between her legs.  I have to go to the bathroom.  When I get there, I text Mr. Eanes and tell him I hate him for having to pack the truck and then go back to class.  Bonnie Granola is now the proud mother of a newly born cabbage patch, however, stage 3 of labor has not yet occurred therefore the baby is still attached to the cord and the placenta which is of course- hanging between her legs as she pretends to nurse her new baby.  

I feel like I am watching a dirty movie.  

She spends what feels like an eternity explaining the benefits of delaying cord cutting, bathing, vitamin K, and clean-up all with the cord still hanging out between her wide open legs... I don't want to have a baby anymore.  Finally she gives birth to the placenta (don't worry she has a fake one to go with her cord) and then explains how she loved to touch and see it after she gave birth.  I do not want to hold a placenta.  Since we have now given birth Bonnie Granola shows us three videos on breastfeeding.  I am now known as the girl who closes her eyes or looks away during the videos and the husband of the "Only Other Normal Couple" looks at me and tells me to get my pillow ready.  Since the videos are only on breastfeeding and not birth I decide to try to be mature and watch them- my mistake.  

Apparently there is some award for the camera man who can zoom in the closest on a single nipple at the Oscars- I'm pretty sure I saw the winners work that night and let me speak from experience- nothing looks good that close up nor that zoomed in.  No wonder babies cry- scary.  

The Non-fly Fisher says “at least we aren't watching babies being born out of what appears to be jungles this week,”  and I make a mental note to not speak to him again.  Any guy that thinks it is appropriate to discuss another woman's crotch with a stranger should be avoided at all costs.  It is not appropriate.  

Class ends with the hospital tour which I did not attend since I will no longer be delivering at WakeMed.  I pick up my affirmation on the way out of the door... it says "my pelvis perfectly fits my baby."  I spy the "I'm Not Due Till October Girl" picking up an affirmation too... she sees that I have noticed her interest in the affirmation and explains that her roommate really likes to read them...she seems flustered someone else has noticed she likes them.  I tell her she does not have to explain it to me... I understand completely.  

I pack up my snacks and head out to spend my last night in our home on the air mattress, the only furniture we have left in our house.