The Life and Times of Bonnie Granola: Part 2

Five minutes late, we walk in and find Bonnie Granola in her familiar place in the circle.  I notice the chairs next to ours are still empty and the "non fly fishing" couple is missing- I immediately have two thoughts... 1) the couple missing can take no more of Bonnie Granola  2) the couple missing is upset because I told everyone in the class they fly fish and it is not true- therefore they will not be returning.  Neither turns out to be true, as they walk in about 5 minutes after us with snacks in tow- apparently it was their week for replenishment- they have no fruit snacks with them.  

Bonnie Granola quickly takes what will be her "station" for the remainder of the three hours- the floor in the middle of our circle of chairs.  Bonnie Granola sits on her knees with her legs spread wide open as she teaches not only using her arms but her entire upper body for emphasis.  Her arms are often spread out to the side in a manner that seems to say "come to me all who wish to live in the Granola way...."  She is wearing a yellow tunic, the same quick dry gray pants from last week, black underwear (we will get to this later), and canvas moccasins.  An addition from last week is the very apparent, very thick bra strap running across her back.  Regardless of the strap it is quite obvious the bra is there for something other than support as her boobs still hang well beyond a normal person’s waist.  Edgar's baby momma has showered for this class and I wonder if they have practiced his reading skills any.  

For the next 2 hours Bonnie Granola proceeds to teach using her hands- to the extreme.  When Bonnie Granola mentions signs of labor she grabs her stomach- the only problem is her stomach is sufficiently blocked by her freely swinging, unsupported breasts- which only really leaves her crotch to be grabbed.  Bonnie Granola begins discussing the babies "escape route" which I frankly do not want to hear about in general and am apparently not mature enough to hear it from Bonnie Granola- although I am not sure who is.  (I am, however, aware it is the basic reason for the class)  

During this discussion Bonnie Granola is under the false impression it is socially acceptable to use, grab, and point to her own body to explain the baby's passage "out"- this is not socially acceptable.  John continues to repeat "do not look at Kelley" in his head- as he knows doing so will result in uncontrollable laughter and most likely cause us to be removed from the room.  I wonder if there is a hidden camera somewhere taping our reactions to someone touching themselves so much- there is not.  Bonnie Granola tells us she loves mnemonic devices and she has come up with one called T.A.C.O.- John and I look at each other and then at Edgar, we feel confident she made it up for him- we wonder how he feels about this.  Edgar's Baby Momma gently places her hand on Edgar's back and beams as if affirming "my baby daddy understands tacos".  

In class 4 we learn that T.A.C.O. was in fact altered by Bonnie Granola, as the other instructors teach C.O.A.T. Bonnie Granola teaches us breathing techniques- we sit in chairs staring down at her as she sits Indian style on the floor with her arms out and eyes closed... she asks us to close our eyes and visualize an ocean wave- I look at John- his eyes are wide open staring in what appears to be genuine concern as Bonnie Granola breaths with her whole upper body in rhythmic manner.  I wonder if we have entered some sort of cult without knowing it.  

Bonnie Granola then demonstrates each of 12 various "exercise" stations she has set up around the room- we will be practicing the exercises she would like us to do in order to get through a contraction.  Bonnie Granola is now on all fours performing the pelvic rock- over and over and over and over again.  Her shirt comes up- her pants pull down- her black underwear becomes a staple viewing item for the next 45 minutes.  I wonder why she bothered to wear clothes at all.  

Over the course of the next 30 minutes I find my face smashed up against the hot plastic birthing ball with John pushing on my back- I wonder how many other people's faces have been smashed in this same spot- I begin to feel a little sick.  When that contraction is over we move to the squatting exercise- I squat- John- who is supposed to be supporting my weight gets distracted- I am on the floor.  At least he is not eating fruit snacks.  On the way out of the door we pick up our affirmations- Mine says "I share in the strength and wisdom of the mothers who  have come before me...."  John's says "I trust my pain..."  The non fly fisher looks at me and says- "I want drugs."  Bonnie Granola bids us farewell and tells us next week we will be touring the hospital.