The Life and Times of Bonnie Granola: Part 1

Eanes Family Rewind... Because this was blog worthy before we had a blog... 

For those of you who weren't on the email list when John and I were sharing our Labor & Birth class experiences- enjoy.

THE LIFE AND TIMES OF BONNIE GRANOLA- PART I

Tonight we attended our first of 5 Labor & Birthing classes that we will be taking at our original delivery hospital in Cary.  Words cannot even describe the events of the night- but I'm going to do my best to try... We walked into a room where the chairs had been placed in a circle... a woman with long stringy hair, no bra (w/ very long boobs), and baggy pants greeted us- her name is Bonnie.  Bonnie proceeds to explain that she has provided snacks so that we may "replenish ourselves, there are drinks so we may refresh ourselves, and the restrooms are around the corner so we may release ourselves in whichever type of release mother nature calls us to do."  (at this point I feel like I am some sort of plant)  I look at the snacks and tell John there is only granola and fruit to which we replies... that's b/c this woman is ALL granola.  We are eventually given stickers to put on our name tags that say "birth is normal" and meet our classmates.  The most interesting couple is Edgar and his Baby Mama.  Edgar is a "cook" (we later learn after 2 awkward reading instances that he is not fluent in English) and his Baby Mama reports her favorite hobby as "drinking beer- but not right now."  In order to create intimacy among the group, Bonnie Granola has us introduce the couple next to us.  I introduce the husband of "our couple" as a fly fisher...that is not true a statement- he does not fly fish.  Oops- I thought that is what he said.  We then have to rate a list of statements from 1-10 in our aggreance with them.  John does not have time to finish due to the fact that he is analyzing and marking through terms on his paper, such as inner wisdom, and thus rates the last statement a 5- (maybe/maybe not).  It turns out we display our ratings to everyone by moving to numbers on a number line placed on the floor.  The time comes to rate our last statement... "Knowledge of birth and birth procedures help empower women to make more informed decisions."  Everyone in the class moves to the number 10 on the floor- but not John- b/c he hasn't had time to read the statement and therefore he doesn't want to agree with it. John moves to the number 5 spot on the floor... he is now in a room of 13 people standing ALONE on his side of the room.  It was the easiest one, a dead give away, it's a BIRTHING CLASS- it's like answering Jesus in Sunday School.  Bonnie Granola spends the next 5 awkward minutes explaining why John's stance is wrong and we all should have answered with a 10.  As she does this we continue to all stand on the other side of the room from John and look at him while she talks.  We continue on for the next 2 1/2 hours holding back tears of laughter as Bonnie Granola leads us through the normality of labor and birth.  Bonnie Granola draws a bell curve and explains the typical woman labors 15 hours... John asks Bonnie Granola when labor starts.... Bonnie Granola says it is a good question and one cannot say for sure.  Some people say labor starts when they feel the first contraction, others when the contractions are a certain time frame apart... there is no definite answer.  To which John replies... "so your numbers really mean nothing then...," the other men laugh and I look down and try to avoid eye contact with anyone for the remainder of the class.  I make a mental note to tell John not to speak during class ever again.  We finish the last 10 minutes with relaxation exercises we're supposed to practice.  Music is playing, the lights are dim, Bonnie Granola is reading some relaxation directives. I am on a Pilate's mat, on the floor, with pillows all around me, the husbands are supposed to be placing their hands on tense areas of the body, however John decides he is hungry and pulls out his fruit snacks and replenish himself.  The crinkle of the celaphan package rips through the quiet, relaxed hum of quietly breathing pregnant women.  I give John "the look," and he gives me the "I guess I should have thought this through but aren't I cute smile..."  It's finally time to leave and before we can go we each have to pick up an "affirmation card" and read it to Bonnie Granola on the way out.  We have to "own the statement."  John picks a card that says "I am patient and loving".  The man behind me picks one that says "his body is soft and strong".  The whole thing is well... fit for a movie to say the very least.  When we did finally make it to the car I said I was not even sure how to begin to debrief about that experience... and we have to do it again 4 more times!  We'll try to keep you updated on Edgar, his Baby Mama, the non fly fisher, and Bonnie Granola.   At one point I looked over at John with his name tag on and started laughing so hard I thought I was going to release on myself.  I do not think Bonnie Granola noticed.